The Oscars have their list, I have mine.

According to my calculations, I saw 52 films from the year 2011. That averages out to one movie a week. I don’t know what my usual haul is, but that seems like a lot. Unlike most years, this past one didn’t contain any flicks I was really anticipating impatiently. Even Captain America (whose comics I have been reading since before I even knew how to read) didn’t really incite that “hurry-up-and-be-released” feeling I usually get. My general dissatisfaction with the films of 2011 (the mainstream ones, anyway) was perfectly summed up by my overwhelming ambivalence of the Academy Awards. I didn’t even watch the show this year. Not even the multitude of Oscar parties I was invited to could make me care. As I compiled my top ten list throughout the passing year, I wasn’t very impressed with it. They were decent movies, sure, but nothing I was particularly excited about. I knew I was gonna have a hard time writing about how much I liked these movies when my longstanding number one film was Cowboys & Aliens.

Thankfully, I spent the early part of this year tracking down those more obscure films from last year that had caught my attention, but eluded me when (or even if) they played in the theaters. I think that’s probably why my view count was so high this year: I kept watching ’til I found something good. In previous years, when I thought That’ll do it, this year, I thought C’mon, you can do better’n that. And I’m glad I did because amidst 2011’s sea of mediocrity, I found some real treasures. It always makes me feel good when my top ten list contains great stuff my readers have probably never seen, but should.

#10: Martha Marcy May Marlene – The Academy’s complete shut out of this film in the Oscar nominees is a big part of why I didn’t really care what actually was nominated this year. This is such a brave and powerful film, how could it be totally ignored? My guess is because the writing, acting, directing, and editing (all of which it should be highly praised for) are so subtle, that they’re virtually unnoticeable. One watches this film and feels almost as though it’s a documentary. Plus, the ending is so disturbingly vague that, while most conventional movie-goers who insist on being spoon-fed their stories probably hate it, it really is a brilliant “conclusion” that drives home the intensity of the film’s message. And what a spectacular debut from Elizabeth Olsen. Let’s hope that despite the public’s lukewarm reception of this film, she still manages to land roles as bold as this one and move out from under her sisters’ shadow into the spotlight.

#9: Bridesmaids – Kristen Wiig finally lands a starring role and proves she has the chops to be a star - not only as a comedienne, but possibly a serious actress as well. While this film could have settled for being a showcase of dirty jokes and absurd situations going from bad to worse, Wiig (who also wrote the script) fits in a good amount of authentic sentimentality and melancholy without feeling forced. I was actually taken aback by how much I not only sympathized with her character, but identified with her as well. I wasn’t expecting that and, as funny as the movie was, I found those sweet scenes to be the best of the film. Another refreshing change was how the comedic situations were allowed to develop and unfold at their own pace. A frivolous movie like this tends to cram in one joke right after another with very little cohesion, but Bridesmaids was willing to indulge the possibilities of consequences and aftermath even when it wasn’t particularly necessary. Most female alumni from “Saturday Night Live” end up settling for sitcoms, but let’s hope Kristen Wiig sticks to movies and raises the bar accordingly.

#8: Green Lantern – I suspect most people would think my inclusion of this film would render this top ten list null and void, but Green Lantern did not deserve to be as thoroughly crucified as it was. It deserves defending and I’m happy to do it. First of all, superhero movies are a huge gamble to begin with. It’s really hard to translate something that’s awesome in the comics into something that’s awesome onscreen and, trust me, this film could’ve been much, much worse. I, for one, thought it was an exemplary summer popcorn flick. The action scenes were exciting. The special effects didn’t feel cartoony. The dialogue wasn’t insulting. The characters were likeable (even the bad guys). The romantic subplot didn’t feel forced or pointless. Okay, so it didn’t measure up to the caliber of The Dark Knight or even the original Iron Man, but it didn’t have to, either. A movie should be judged on how well it attains the goals it sets for itself and Green Lantern delivered exactly what I wanted from it: I found it entertaining and exciting, which is more than I can say for Thor (which, for some bizarre Twilight Zone reason, most people seemed to like more than Green Lantern).

#7: The Artist – As dissatisfied as I was with the line up of Oscar nominees, I’m glad that this film took the grand prize. Rewarding such a lovely film is a step towards renewing my faith in the politically-sapped, self-congratulatory Academy Awards (but that’s still a long road, I’m afraid). I was a big fan of the director’s previous work with Jean Dujardin in the two OSS 117 spoofs and I hope their respective Oscar wins don’t keep them from making more additions to that hilarious series. Although, if they continue making more films like The Artist, I guess I can’t really complain. Anyway, while it seems like such a corny cliché to compliment a movie by calling it “magical”, that really is the best word to describe The Artist. A lot of critics have been comparing it to Singin’ in the Rain, and Sunset Boulevard and rightfully so. Offhand, I can’t think of a recent film that so lovingly pays tribute to the origins of filmmaking than this one. Hollywood needs to be reminded of its roots once in a while.

#6: My Week with Marilyn – I’ll admit it: There’s a good possibility that the reason this movie rated so high on my list is because I’m a heterosexual man. I was pretty mesmerized whenever she was onscreen and never got tired of it. In fact, I think I felt just about every emotion the lead character felt about Marilyn Monroe as he was feeling it: awe, respect, sympathy, affection, frustration, concern, pity and, not love, but possibly the potential to love her if she let me. Marilyn Monroe is not an easy role to play (particularly because she had something that no woman before or since has ever had), but Michelle Williams really rocked it – particularly in her ability to devour a man with her eyes. This movie also made the right move by doing a biopic on a specific part of a person’s life rather than trying to cover the whole gamut. I think that’s why J. Edgar and The Iron Lady weren’t as good (that, and because they weren’t about Marilyn freakin’ Monroe).

#5: Win Win – With every movie he makes (Win Win being his third), Thomas McCarthy gets closer and closer to joining my (short) list of directors whose work I will check out without even bothering to learn what the film’s about. This is largely due his writing more than his directing, but since he’s written everything he’s directed, I’m hoping this will be an ongoing package deal. He has an uncanny knack for making his characters remarkably human to the point where after seeing them onscreen for merely 30 seconds, you feel like you know them. Consequently, most of the humor and tragedy in his films comes across as accidental. Case in point, every film he’s made so far (including Up, actually, which he co-wrote) is about characters circumstantially finding surrogate families with people who start out as total strangers with whom they have almost nothing in common. You’d think that scenario would become tiresome, but McCarthy’s films are as uniquely individual as the eclectic characters that inhabit them. I realize I’ve said nothing about Win Win specifically, but I’ve done you a favor. The less exposition you know going into it, the better.

#4: Our Idiot Brother – Like Win Win, the strength of this movie comes from the realism of the characters and the players in Our Idiot Brother are so wonderfully authentic that I’m wondering how much of the film was inspired by real life. It was, after all, co-written by a guy, his sister and her husband. This film is consistently funny and, after a certain point that I’d be hard pressed to identify, becomes even funnier from just being familiar with the relationships of the characters. I’m not sure it was meant to be a “feel-good” movie (another term, along with “magical”, I am loathe to use), but it’s certainly one that makes you feel like life will be okay no matter what. It’ll also probably make you appreciate your family more. There’ve been a number of movies that I’ve enjoyed so much I wish they were longer, but I actually wish Our Idiot Brother was a television series so it could go on indefinitely.

#3: Red State – When Kevin Smith first departed from what’s been called the “View Askewniverse”, he made Jersey Girl, a romantic comedy that failed miserably (although, I personally didn’t think it was all that bad). His penultimate film was the aptly-named Cop Out, which also flopped but, in Smith’s defense, he didn’t write that one. Red State didn’t do much better than either of those films, but that’s a damn shame because it is one hell of a movie. The only acceptable reason I can think of as to why audiences didn’t identify with this film is because it was way out of their comfort zone. Although, on that level, it measures up to the intensity of “theoretically this could actually happen” horror flicks like Deliverance and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it’s just as gut-wrenching. Doing a horror movie (especially an action horror film) is as big a departure as Smith has ever done, but now I wish he’d tried one sooner. His writing and directing on Red State are so effective that I think that Smith should not only make another horror film, but maybe try his hand at a war movie as well.

#2: Tales of the Night – Just like My Week with Marilyn ranked high with me ‘cuz I’m a dude, Tales of the Night scores big probably because I’m a graphic designer. That’s not to say it isn’t a superb film with a great story, but in this age of highly-detailed, meticulous 3-D computer animation, it’s nice to see an equally gorgeous animated film that could’ve been inspired by flannel board story-telling. The film is nothing more than a series of fables and folk tales being performed by stark silhouettes in front of colorful backgrounds, but it’s an absolute feast for the eyes. And the stories themselves are quite poignant and engaging for as short as they are. I have no idea if they’re based on actual fairy tales, but the film’s credits indicate it’s an original screenplay, which is all the more impressive. This is a French film scheduled for a wider release in America later this year. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but hopefully when it comes out, it will be dubbed rather than subtitled. I say that because, first of all, given the character design, it’s pretty insignificant if their lips don’t match the words (indeed, I doubt the viewer would be able to notice) and, secondly, if the viewer isn’t dependent on the subtitles, they’ll be able to take in all the visual wonders of this film even more effectively.

#1: The Lie – One of my favorite comedy routines is the schtick of the person who tells a horrible lie and tries to stick to it no matter how out of control it becomes, even if only as an attempt to save face. Chevy Chase had this down pat in the 80’s and Steve Carrell perfected this during his stint on “The Office”. I had heard of this modest film (a film seemingly dedicated to that scenario) and was interested in checking it out for some time before I actually found it on DVD. It was not what I expected, but I’ve never been so pleasantly disappointed with a film in my whole life. Yes, this movie’s about a guy who tells a bad lie that gets worse and, yes, it’s funny, but that’s only about maybe 10% of the movie. The heart of it is a beautifully reflective film exploring what one has and what one wants and what one does about it. I’m deliberately being vague here as I was with Win Win for essentially the same reasons. You could probably find out what the titular lie is by reading a synopsis of the film (in fact, I think they reveal it in the trailer), but you’d be better off not knowing and just let it present itself in the context of the film. Don’t be dissuaded by the fact that the poster makes it look like a garden-variety chick flick. This is a delightful movie and a fairly unconventional one at that.

So, I guess the key to a good year of movie watching is to ignore the masses and seek out what interests you personally. While I intend to do that again for 2012, let me just say thank god Christopher Nolan has another Batman movie coming out.

The Sundance Kid Returns

The Oscar nominees were announced today. Regular readers will know that my interest in the Academy Awards has waned considerably with each passing year and this one is no exception. It's gotten to the point now where, this time of year, I'm thinking more about the Sundance Film Festival than I am about the Academy Awards. Unfortunately, deficient funds have prevented me from going to Sundance the past few years, but it occurred to me that it's been exactly five years since my first trip to Park City. So, for fun, I thought I'd post my original blog about losing my Sundance virginity. It's interesting to look back on these movies that were so fresh and unfamiliar back in 2007. The vast majority of these films have kinda fallen off the radar, which is a shame because most of them are worth looking up. Stay tuned for my top ten favorite films of 2011, but in the meantime, enjoy this blast from the past:

The Academy Award nominations were announced earlier this week and, while I haven't really looked at them with any degree of scrutiny, my first impression was that they did a pretty good job of selecting nominations this year. However, when I think about it overall, 2006 wasn't all that great a year for movies, though. There were a few gems out there, but nothing that really quickened my pulse and made me think "Damn, this is a REALLY good movie" while I was watching it. For example, there was no Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, no American Splendor, no Amélie, no Memento. I haven't really catalogued my top ten list of favorite movies this past year (stay tuned for a future post on that), but if I were to guess, I'd say the majority of my top ten for 2006 probably played at the Sundance Film Festival last January.

My friend DJ goes to Sundance every year and I had hoped to go with him last time. For one reason or another, I didn't, and consquently missed out on an early peek at the best films of the year. This year, I had sense enough to go and, man oh man, am I ever glad I did. My only regrets are that I didn't go any of the other previous years and that we didn't stay longer this year. Without going into too much detail (if you want the juicy insights of my glorious movie-watching, celebrity-spotting, party-crashing extravaganza, you'll hafta ask me yourself - you know my stance on blogging), here's a breakdown on the movies we saw during our six days in Park City, Utah. The titles are arranged in the order of how much I liked them:

1. Son Of Rambow: Not only was this my favorite film at Sundance, I'm willing to bet my bottom dollar it will be my favorite film of the year. It was so good I was almost brought to tears when it was over. Literally. This is one of those movies where if you don't like it, you're basically the antichrist. I'm definitely buying it and then watching it over and over.


2. Rocket Science: This is the first movie we saw and conicidentally the first movie selected for Sundance. I don't know whether to say it's tragically funny or comedically sad, but I can probably best sum it up by saying it's as flawless a portrayal of the awkwardness of adolescence as I have ever seen. I'm almost sorry I saw it before any of my other friends because I want to discuss it with so many of them.

3. Dedication: Anybody who knows me well will know why I liked this movie so much. It's hard to say which of the movies we saw had the best dialogue, but this one's right up there. The characters were so vividly written, I found myself wondering how they were doing afterwards. Dan, one of the guys we were sharing our condo with, actually worked on this movie as a P.A. He tried to get DJ and I into the premiere party afterwards, but apparently didn't have enough clout to have an entourage. We went to the Dough Boys premiere party instead.

4. Finishing The Game: Required viewing for anyone who's a fan of mockumentaries or Bruce Lee. After seeing a string of films that were somber and thought-provoking, this silly masterpiece really hit the spot. Another funny thing about this movie was that DJ and I had to rush out when it was over because we had another movie to get to right after. On our way out of the theatre, the cast and crew were on their way single-file into the theatre for the Q & A so it was like we had a visual, live-action end credits.

5. Teeth: Sick humor at its sickest. And pretty frickin' funny, too. I think the audience was the best part of this movie, actually. They squirmed and howled and cheered and gagged. You get a lot of people at Sundance who consider themselves holier-than-thou movie snobs seeking out arthouse flicks so they can talk about how cultured they are having seen these poignant, evocative films. Sundance needs a film or two like this to keep them on their toes and show them movies can be silly fun with no message or redeeming qualities whatsoever. Hard to believe I could enjoy a movie this much that contained so many severed penises.

6. Joshua: I felt like I'd seen this movie before, but I didn't care. Creepy kids are nothing new, but it did pretty brilliant job of balancing humor and suspense. The director said afterwards he always was a fan of cutting tension with humor. That's hard to do effectively, but this movie pulled it off quite well. Mostly due to the performances, I think. For example, the line "You don't beat up your kid in public on the weekend" delivered with the utmost sincerity was pretty hilarious.

7. Weapons: The most disturbing portrait of inner-city youth since Larry Clark's Kids. It's been a while since we've seen a movie with the same story told from different points of view and out of sequence. Tarantino made this technique popular with Pulp Fiction wanna-bees and it often feels contrived, but I thought it lent more to the story here.


8. Waitress: To be sure, this is a chick flick to the utmost degree, but a cute one. I liked it, but had a few problems with it. First and foremost, it shoulda ended sooner. After a crucial and moving scene, the screen faded to black and a few audience members began to clap in anticipation of the end credits. Next thing you know, a new scene begins and takes us through this totally unnecessary montage assuring us that everything turned out alright and everybody lived happily ever after. I prefer when movies like this end with a feeling of hope (like Dedication did) for the audience to contemplate rather than force-feeding them a happy ending. It's patronizing. My advice: If you go see this movie, exit the theatre when you hear the line "We're gonna have so much fun." You'll appreciate it more.

9. Save Me: I was expecting a movie condemning fundamental Christianity and defending the gay community through sympathy, but what I got was the most fair and evenly-balanced portrayal of the conflict between the church and homosexuality I've ever seen. I think even the most liberal homosexual and the most conservative Christian could watch this movie and both walk away feeling represented respectfully. I was surprisingly impressed - I didn't think that was possible. And another surprise: the mom from "Who's The Boss" turns in one of the best performances of the festival.

10. Padre Nuestro: DJ and I remarked how much this one reminded us of Maria Full of Grace. They're both Spanish-speaking movies filmed in America and written and directed by white boys. Funny how authentic both movies felt. There were some Mexican people in the audience who made a big deal about what a realistic case study this was about the struggles immigrants have trying to assimilate to America. Given that this movie was made by a gringo, I guess it just goes to show how much credibility comes from talent.

11. Never Forever: This one took a while to get going, but it got under my skin. You know the characters are headed towards disaster despite their best intentions, but you see the end of the tracks getting closer and closer. I wonder what percentage of movies have plot complications that stem from sex. Probably a helluva lot of 'em. Actually, most of the movies on this list have to do with big trouble spawned from sex or the pursuit of it.

12. Starting Out In The Evening: This is the kinda movie that I woulda been bored enough to commit suicide over when I was a kid. The kinda movie my parents would rent and I'd say "Well, I guess I'll go do my homework then." I still consider myself pretty immature, but there's a grown-up in me somewhere because I found this movie quite interesting. Really nothing more than character studies within a slice-of-life plotline, the dialogue held my attention and I cared about what went on. It ran a little long, but I never did look at my watch so I hafta say I enjoyed it.

13. Away From Her: My main incentive to see this was to see Sarah Polley in attendance because I've had a small crush on her ever since Go. I wasn't sure how much I'd like the movie 'cuz it's certainly aimed more towards older audiences (by the way, if your grandparents ever complain that there's no movies out there for them to see, draw their attention to this one), but like Starting Out In The Evening, it held my attention. Something the director said in the Q & A that I particularly liked was that she wanted to do this movie because it was a love story about a couple who'd been together for over 40 years and she was sick of seeing romances always taking place at the beginning of relationships when people are young and reckless. She's right, it's nice to see this for a change.

14. The Nines: DJ's gonna kill me for having this so low on the list, but what can I say - it didn't wow me as much as I felt it was supposed to. That might be because it was the fourth film we saw that day and late at night to boot (and we got very little sleep all week). I kept up with the convoluted plotline pretty well, but I didn't find it as clever as others seemed to. Maybe it deserves another viewing, but I didn't think it was that great despite being original and well-made.

15. Fay Grim: I have finally come to terms that I am not a Hal Hartley fan. That's not to say I dislike his movies, but they don't really do it for me, either. Not much more to say about this one except I guess you're either a Hartley fan or you're not. It was a treat to see Parker Posey in person, though.



16. On The Road With Judas: This is the only movie I saw at Sundance that I can truly say I didn't like. From stories DJ's told me of previous Sundance experiences, I should count my lucky stars there was only one. I felt like the director was trying to impress us with an unconventional story-telling technique which really didn't work. It was like a pathetic attempt at trying to make his ordinary story (which wasn't altogether bad, just insufficient) more compelling by trying to mimic Charlie Kaufman or something. The director came across as a real idiot in the Q & A, so I wasn't real surprised.

And that was the movie part of Sundance. There's much more to tell, of course, but since I've already spent all this time playing Roger Ebert, I'm gonna hang it up for now. I'd be surprised if many of you read this far anyway. If you did, you must be a pretty big fan of movies yourself and should go with me to Sundance next year. Oh, yes. I'm going again.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

People who hate Christmas remind me of those jackasses who complain that their girlfriends want to have sex too often. What’s wrong with you? I can understand a certain level of contempt if you’re Jewish or Muslim (or what have you) and feel resentment that the Christian holiday overshadows your holiday this time of year, but still… It’s fun! Besides, since when is being a Christian a pre-requisite for celebrating Christmas? I’m an Atheist and I love Christmas! You don’t hafta be Irish to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, you don’t hafta be a veteran to celebrate Veteran’s Day and you don’t hafta be a planet to celebrate Earth Day. Christians stole most of their holiday traditions from other celebrations anyway, so what difference does it make? Why would you make yourself miserable by deliberately loathing the most festive American holiday of the year? It’s like hating the sun in summertime. It’s there whether you like it or not, so you might as well find something positive about it.

The aspect of the Christmas season that seems to get the biggest brunt of complaints is the music. That perplexes me the most. Outside of the tendency for these songs to contain the sound of sleigh bells, how exactly do they sound different from other year-round songs? Or is it just the lyrics they hate? If that’s the case, it should be noted that a lot of classic so-called “Christmas songs” make no mention of the holiday whatsoever. Seriously, read the lyrics of “Frosty the Snowman”. Not a word about Christmas. Same with “Jingle Bells” which was originally meant to be a Thanksgiving song. “Let it Snow” was written in July of 1945 during one of Hollywood’s hottest days on record. “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” was never intended to be a Christmas song, either. It was written by Frank Loesser and performed by him and his wife at their housewarming party in 1944. Even “Joy to the World” was meant to be just a straight up hymn of worship (actually referencing Judgment Day rather than Jesus’ birth). So, what exactly are you Scrooges bitching about?

Last December, I wrote an article recommending Christmas movies for people who don’t like Christmas movies, so I thought it would be fun to try the same thing with music this year. Below are ten bona fide Christmas albums which, if you can’t stand them, then your problem isn’t that you hate Christmas music, it’s that you hate good music.

The Very Best of Bing Crosby Christmas – When it comes to Christmas tunes, nobody delivers the goods better than crooners (as sales of Michael Bublé’s new Christmas album have indicated) and nobody croons better than Bing. Nothing against Harry Connick Jr, Mel Tormé or Dean Martin, but listening to this album is the aural equivalent to drinking a hot mug of eggnog mixed with amaretto, soft butter and melted marshmallows. As an added bonus, a great deal of these carols feature accompaniment by the Andrews Sisters, with whom Bing did some of his best work. The only real drawback of this collection is the absence of “Mele Kalikimaka”, but if you wanna hear that one, you can always watch National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.

Ray Charles’ The Spirit of Christmas – Speaking of Christmas Vacation, this album contains (and is indeed named for) the song played over Clark Griswold watching his old family Christmas movies in the attic. Mr. Charles has a way of making even the oldest and most common of songs seem like they were written especially for him (“America The Beautiful”, for instance) and here he classes-up tunes often regarded as hokey in such a way that you can almost feel yourself becoming an even cooler person just listening to them.

Elvis Presley’s If Every Day Was Like Christmas – Another individual who had a knack for putting his own spin on Christmas classics was The King. For example, his most famous Christmas song was easily “Blue Christmas” (which is on here, of course), but not many people know that the song was recorded over three times before Elvis ever released his own (and thus the definitive) version. Most of the other songs on here you’ve heard before, but rarely so sexy. In fact, Irving Berlin wanted the album banned because he thought Elvis’ version of “White Christmas” was profane. I wonder what Episcopalian priest Phillips Brooks would have made of Elvis’ rendition of “O Little Town of Bethlehem”.

Blue Yule – Cut from the same cloth as Elvis’ musical stylings, this is the ultimate Christmas blues collection. Containing songs by such heavies as Johnny & Edgar Winter, Canned Heat and John Lee Hooker, there’s no shortage of guitar, horns and piano pounding out melodies while various bluesmen beg Santa Claus to bring their baby back. Blues has a bit of a reputation for being redundant, but this is actually quite an eclectic and refreshing mix of the genre. If you intend on spending Christmas alone - heartbroken and drunk - this album is required listening.

Alligator Records’ Genuine Houserockin’ Christmas – This record is predominantly blues as well, but a bit more upbeat with some jazz numbers thrown in and even some bluegrass to be sure. Chances are you aren’t too familiar with many of the performers on this album, but they are impressive nonetheless – particularly the female vocalists. The stand out track on this collection is probably “Back Door Santa” by the Holmes Brothers which is a funkified version of the sexually-suggestive Clarence Carter song, but that’s really just a judgment call on my part. I imagine everyone would have their own favorite from this underrated compilation. One thing’s for sure: If it’s just you and your lover spending Christmas together, putting on this record will exponentially increase your odds of getting laid.

The Brian Setzer Orchestra’s Christmas Rocks! – For anyone who wants to hear the souped-up versions of Christmas carols, this is the album for you. In fact, if you’re a swing-dancer, you probably already own it. Just about every cross-section of Christmas music is represented here, from “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” to “The Nutcracker Suite” and, for some reason, an instrumental version of “My Favorite Things” from The Sound of Music. It’s definitely a toe-tappin’, head-bobbin’ marathon of music, so if the usual stuff puts you to sleep, this’ll most certainly wake you up.

Underground Garage Presents Christmas A-Go-Go – Cranking it up a notch from Mr. Setzer (although, this record does contain his “Santa Drives a Hot Rod” as well), this is another collection that doesn’t hold back. You couldn’t come up with a more random list of off-the-wall Christmas covers if you tried. They’re all good, too. Not much more can be said about a Christmas album that features songs by Keith Richards, The Ramones, Bob Seger, The Kinks, Soupy Sales, and Joe Pesci (Yes, that Joe Pesci)!

Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics – Speaking of off-the-wall… You’re either a fan of “South Park” or you’re not. However, like their feature film effectively demonstrated, these guys really know how to compose a catchy tune (offensive content notwithstanding). In addition to being the perfect album for holiday cynics, you’d hafta be pretty thick-skinned to not laugh at least once. Who can resist Ike Broflovski singing “Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel” and segueing into “Itsy-Bitsy Spider”, or Mr. Garrison illustrating the jingoism of Christians’ delusional War on Christmas with “Merry Fucking Christmas”, or the aptly-named “The Most Offensive Song Ever” where Mr. Hankey and Kenny explain how Mary can still be considered a Virgin (with Kenny’s lyrics mercifully muffled by his parka)? No, it’s not meant for everyone, but it hits the spot for those it is meant for.

Vince Guaraldi Trio’s A Charlie Brown Christmas - From the lighter side of animated holiday specials comes this, the Holy Grail of Christmas albums. Although, the title is a bit of a misnomer since only a fraction of the songs on this record actually appear in the television special. That hardly matters, though, because one cannot go wrong with these jazz instrumentals beautifully performed by Mr. Guaraldi and company. It is, quite simply, the most perfect background music for the holiday season. Fewer things will put you into the spirit of Christmas than this album accompanied with dim-lighting, a lit fireplace, a glass of red wine, and some dark chocolate. Again, maybe I’m just speaking personally, but I sincerely doubt you could do better.

Booker T. & The MG’s in the Christmas Spirit – Last, but not least, this album is kind of a happy medium between “A Charlie Brown Christmas” and “Blue Yule”. The always-reliable Booker T. Jones and his ensemble present a nice compilation of instrumental R&B tunes. Like some of the aforementioned artists, these guys inject these songs with their own unique flavor to the point where it sometimes takes you a while to identify exactly which Christmas song they’re performing. I often find myself humming along and not realizing what I’m humming until I get to the chorus. The melody is intact (they’re not butchering these songs at all), they’re just played in such a unique way, they give the impression of original compositions. Of all my favorite bands, I’m most pleased that Booker T. & the MG’s were the ones who released a Christmas album. Although a Weird Al Christmas would be pretty awesome, too.

So, forget Mannheim Steamroller and Boney M. and all those other excruciatingly cheesy Christmas serenaders. These ten albums should be more than enough to provide your holiday playlist with ample high-end music to endure the holidays. If none of the above are able to satisfy you, then I have only one other song I can offer you:

Why You Should Register as a Republican (Yes, YOU!)

The GOP is rallying hard to find a candidate that can take out Obama in the 2012 election, but despite their passion and dedication, they’re having a difficult time of it. Most of the Republican candidates that have been the front-runner haven’t been in that position for long because it’s only a matter of time before they say or do something that either alienates their constituents or embarrasses themselves. This is, of course, much to the delight of Democrats. One often hears liberals muttering, “I hope [so-and-so] gets the Republican nomination, ‘cuz then Obama will be a shoo-in for re-election.” In other words, their dream is that the Republicans will champion somebody so ignorant and incompetent, the American people’s choice will pretty much boil down to “status-quo” versus “making things even worse”. This attitude is absolutely deplorable and goes against the very idea of Democracy.

Obama is going to get the Democratic nomination. There are no two ways about it. So, there’s really no point in the Democrats having a primary election, is there? If Democrats (or anybody, really) are so dissatisfied with the Republican party and its candidates, they should re-register as Republicans and then vote in their primaries for a Republican candidate they think could actually do a decent job. It doesn’t really matter if they disagree with their policies or political standpoints. The important thing is to get a candidate in there who won’t destroy the country (or the world, for that matter) if they end up being elected. If voters really want to change the face of the Republican party, they need to do it from within - like an undercover cop working with drug-dealers. Most probably view this idea as some kind of personal betrayal, but it’s not like being a Republican is a lifetime membership or anything. They can always re-re-register as Democrats again. Besides, one doesn’t need to be a Democrat to vote for Obama in 2012 anyway.

Gun enthusiasts (conscientious ones, anyway) hold the philosophy that there’s no such thing as an unloaded gun. This mantra serves to ensure that people will be more careful handling their weapons and reduce the likelihood of accidental shootings. Likewise, graphic designers and art directors (conscientious ones, anyway) know that you should never show an idea to a client that you don’t want them to pick because, chances are, they’re going to pick the one stupid idea they’re shown. These are examples why Americans (ALL Americans) should be mortified at the notion of having anybody on the ballot for President of the United States who isn’t fit for the job. If more people had had this philosophy ten years ago, this country might not have had to sit through eight years of irreversible damage caused by Dubya.

The whole point of Democracy is to have a choice. If a hungry person goes into a restaurant, the menu doesn’t give them an ultimatum of either soup or cyanide. They may not like soup, but they’ll certainly eat it if the other choice is poison. It’s better to go into a restaurant and have a choice of soup or salad. Some people like one, some people like the other. Both are free to decide which they want and neither are wrong. That’s what Democracy is (or should be) and even if one doesn’t like the taste of a particular candidate, they should at least be able to appreciate that someone else does. Nobody wants to eat poison and nobody wants it to run the country, either. Unfortunately, in America, not enough people would recognize poison even if it was killing them. So, it’s up to the rest of us to make sure it stays off the menu.

To believe in Jesus is to believe in zombies.

I watched the season two premiere episode of “The Walking Dead” hoping I would like it.

I didn’t.

I don’t think I’m so much of a zombie fanatic to call myself a snob, but after reading the astoundingly brilliant “World War Z” by Max Brooks, I expected similar insights into the zombie genre from the network that brought us such bold and brave programming as “Mad Men” and “Breaking Bad”. Alas, despite giving the show a second and third and fourth chance (because I wanted so badly to like it), it’s just not getting better. C’mon, guys – you had a whole year to work on it and the only significant change you made was getting rid of Frank Darabont (the best thing the show had going for it).

While “World War Z” was not only very realistic (as realistic as a zombie outbreak scenario could be), it also thought of everything and was exceptionally original to boot. “The Walking Dead” simply goes through the motions of every zombie cliché that’s come before it (in fact, the very first episode was such a shameless rip-off of the beginning of “28 Days Later”, I’m amazed there isn’t a plagiarism lawsuit underway). Furthermore, there isn’t a single character in the show I give a damn about. Seriously, the latest episode ended with a boy getting shot in the chest and I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to tune in the following week to find out who did it and why. The protagonists don’t hafta be likeable, but they should at least be interesting. These characters might as well be played by cardboard cutouts. Worst of all, though, is the weird liberties they’ve taken with zombie “rules”.

As I stated in last year’s post about vampires, it’s annoying when filmmakers and story-tellers contrive their own rules of what vampires (or, in this case, zombies) can or can’t (and will or won’t) do in order to accommodate the direction and content of their own story. I remember watching an episode from the first season of “The Walking Dead” with a friend of mine (also a bona fide zombie aficionado) and we started picking apart the holes and loose ends in what we were watching. Among other things, we were ridiculing the notion that one could camouflage oneself from zombies by merely smearing guts on oneself as well as the concept that zombies are attracted to pretty much any random noise like car alarms and gunshots. Come on. These aren’t great white sharks, they’re the living dead. Why would they associate a beeping horn with eating brains?

That brought up the question of what exactly is it that draws zombies to the living? This question quickly evolved into an intense and impassioned debate. My friend and I quibbled over the idea that perhaps they’re attracted to body heat or the sounds of heartbeats or maybe even some otherworldly intuitive sixth sense that tells them the nearest living thing is in this direction. Another point of contention was why do zombies feed on the living in the first place? Do they require nourishment? Will they starve without it? I was taking the stance that zombies are indeed dead bodies that are gradually rotting, but the only real difference is that they’re not inanimate. Therefore, they eat the living out of some kind of inherent compulsion, probably due to some imperceptible evil force – perhaps a natural instinct to “breed”, so to speak, since the only way to create more zombies is through biting others. My friend rebutted saying that their decomposition is in a state of suspension and, in order to remain “living” dead, they needed to maintain their musculature and nutrition by eating living people’s brains and innards. We debated this for quite some time, both firmly adamant about our position(s) on the matter.

Needless to say, we didn’t arrive at any real agreeable mutual conclusion, but upon reflection, I came to realize that what we were doing was essentially having the same kind of discussion that anybody who subscribes to a particular religious dogma has had with somebody who believes in an alternative (and , consequently, conflicting) religious belief. I mean, there we were, saying “No, that’s not how zombies work. They hafta do this this way because they require this in order to acquire that.” “No, you’re wrong. Because in order for zombies to acquire that, this has to happen this way or else that wouldn’t matter.” As seriously as we were taking this discussion, it didn’t make any difference. Since zombies don’t exist, neither one of us was right and neither one of us was wrong. Yet, we were both steadfast enough in our beliefs of something entirely imaginary, that we were willing to argue over it for a considerable length of time.

That’s basically what I’ve come to conclude about religion in general. Really, it’s just “I believe your pretend story is wrong because my pretend story works better for me.” Not unlike how different countries have their own version of what Santa Claus is and does – the only real difference being that nobody questions whether or not Santa Claus (or Saint Nick or Kris Kringle or Father Christmas or whatever you call him) is a myth and nobody's contradictory belief threatens anybody else's.

This is one of my more bizarre blog posts, I know, because I’ve basically gone from trashing a popular television series straight to indicting people of faith as being either delusional or fraudulent (or both). Not to say that my beliefs are any more correct than anyone else’s. To quote Bertrand Russell: “I think we ought to always entertain our opinions with some measure of doubt. I shouldn’t wish people dogmatically to believe any philosophy, not even mine”. That said, far be it from me to steer clear of controversy. So, let the inflammatory comments fly… you still won’t get anywhere.

I can feel it in my bones...

I've been infatuated with movies ever since I was a child. So naturally, when I was little, the main thing I wanted to be when I grew up was a movie star (since superhero seemed even less plausible). I wanted to be Luke Skywalker. I wanted to be Indiana Jones. I wanted to be James Bond. I even wanted to be Bruce the Shark. I wanted to be all of them and a few characters of my own I came up with (Rex Armitage, for one, was a total bad-ass, but I'll tell you about him some other time).

I turned 37 last week. Since I'm officially over halfway through the average life expectancy of a white male born in 1974, my chances of becoming a movie star are waning exponentially. Then again, Charles Dutton started acting in his mid-30's after having served over ten years in prison, so there's always opportunity for anyone willing to seek it out and work hard. Frankly, I'm not sure I have the energy or the interest. I love watching movies, yeah, but just because I like to fly doesn't mean I need to build planes. Know what I mean?

Still, a part of me will always wish I had vehemently pursued an acting career in film. And I think I may have found a way to have my cake and eat it, too: I intend to be the first posthumous movie star. How does one accomplish that, you may ask? Simple: After I die, my skeleton will be preserved and available for hire for a variety of roles in a variety of movies. I'll have an agent and everything. People will know me. I may even date a supermodel.

If this seems unrealistic, think about it: A lot of movies have skeletons in them. Horror films, pirate movies, murder mysteries, medical dramas, anything featuring the Grim Reaper... IMDb lists over 700 films with the keyword "skeleton". Some skeletons even play an integral role in certain movies (See "The Good, The Bad & The Ugly", "The Goonies", "Lone Star" and "Psycho", for example). Just last year, a British film came out that was actually called "Skeletons". So, it would seem there's no shortage of roles for me. Over time, I could become the "it" skeleton of Hollywood. I could give the definitive performance of Yorick (depending on the caliber of my co-star's performance as Hamlet, of course). I may even get name above title credit one day. Could be quite a lucrative career for... well, my beneficiaries, I guess.

I realize a blog is not the place for making post-mortem last wishes legally-binding, but I do know my attorney reads my blog, so we'll talk it over once he's read this and see what can be done about making it official. So, make a note. Those of you who outlive me can see me on the big screen and whisper to whomever you're with "I knew him when he was alive."

They say dead men tell no tales. I think they do.

About three years ago, I was in a Hollywood Video browsing through their previously viewed DVDs for sale and they were having one of those clearance specials where you could get certain titles for $3 a pop if you bought four of them. I’d picked out a couple I wanted, but in order to get the special cheap price, I had to pick out a couple more. So, I thought “What would be worth having (or at least watching) for three dollars?” I think one of them was Zombie Strippers (and yes, it was worth paying three dollars to watch – although, not much more than that) and, on the flipside, the other was United 93.

I had seen United 93 in the theater when it was first released and I thought it was an under-appreciated masterpiece. It still perplexes me that it was nominated for a mere two Academy Awards (although, the richly-deserved categories were for Directing and Editing). However, while I was happy to own it for such a low price, I couldn’t ever really psyche myself up to watch it. Last night, upon hearing of Osama bin Laden’s death, I was struck with a bizarre sense of mixed emotions and concluded that there was probably no finer time to re-visit United 93 than right then.

Watching the film for the first time in six years, I had not forgotten how it had affected me, but I had forgotten the details of its intensity. Any film that attempts to recreate actual events is a huge enough challenge, but for a film to do as good a job as this one does is a miracle. As Roger Ebert points out in his thoughtful review of the film, the filmmakers avoid propaganda, grandstanding, and over-dramatization in a fierce dedication to present the events as truthfully and authentically as possible. It feels like a real-time documentary. For instance, when the first plane hits the World Trade Center, we’re not shown some impressive special-effects piece of a plane turning into a fireball upon impact. Instead, we’re literally looking over the shoulder of an air traffic controller who is tracking the flight as it instantaneously disappears from his radar. The whole film is haunting in this sense because the viewer is treated as a virtual participant, but a participant who knows what’s going to happen and can do nothing about it.

Most impressive, however, is the human element. Even though the actions of the passengers on that flight were most definitely heroic, nobody in the film is intentionally portrayed as a hero. Furthermore, the terrorists aren’t even technically portrayed as villains. They are every bit as human as anyone else in the film, just on the opposite end of the same tragedy. You have the zealot who seems all too eager to slit the throats of every hostage before their target is even reached, you have the nervous perfectionist who compensates for his fears by being overtly aggressive, you have the young thug willing to follow orders but unable to think for himself, and the stoic leader who seems to worry that his underlings are ill-prepared to carry out a mission of such importance. To show these men going about their day as everyone else went about their day on September 11^th before tragedy struck makes one think.

Hearing of Osama bin Laden being killed after all this time brought to mind a line from the movie Se7en where Morgan Freeman’s character says of the serial killer he’s hunting: “If we catch John Doe and he turns out to be the devil – I mean, if he’s Satan himself – that might live up to our expectations. But, he’s not the devil, he’s just a man.” Osama bin Laden has been labeled a devil by many Americans and now may be labeled a martyr by many extremists, but he was still just a person. Yes, his death is good thing - even if only for the sake of closure - but everybody that died before him is still dead.