Thursday, August 11, 2011

I can feel it in my bones...

I've been infatuated with movies ever since I was a child. So naturally, when I was little, the main thing I wanted to be when I grew up was a movie star (since superhero seemed even less plausible). I wanted to be Luke Skywalker. I wanted to be Indiana Jones. I wanted to be James Bond. I even wanted to be Bruce the Shark. I wanted to be all of them and a few characters of my own I came up with (Rex Armitage, for one, was a total bad-ass, but I'll tell you about him some other time).

I turned 37 last week. Since I'm officially over halfway through the average life expectancy of a white male born in 1974, my chances of becoming a movie star are waning exponentially. Then again, Charles Dutton started acting in his mid-30's after having served over ten years in prison, so there's always opportunity for anyone willing to seek it out and work hard. Frankly, I'm not sure I have the energy or the interest. I love watching movies, yeah, but just because I like to fly doesn't mean I need to build planes. Know what I mean?

Still, a part of me will always wish I had vehemently pursued an acting career in film. And I think I may have found a way to have my cake and eat it, too: I intend to be the first posthumous movie star. How does one accomplish that, you may ask? Simple: After I die, my skeleton will be preserved and available for hire for a variety of roles in a variety of movies. I'll have an agent and everything. People will know me. I may even date a supermodel.

If this seems unrealistic, think about it: A lot of movies have skeletons in them. Horror films, pirate movies, murder mysteries, medical dramas, anything featuring the Grim Reaper... IMDb lists over 700 films with the keyword "skeleton". Some skeletons even play an integral role in certain movies (See "The Good, The Bad & The Ugly", "The Goonies", "Lone Star" and "Psycho", for example). Just last year, a British film came out that was actually called "Skeletons". So, it would seem there's no shortage of roles for me. Over time, I could become the "it" skeleton of Hollywood. I could give the definitive performance of Yorick (depending on the caliber of my co-star's performance as Hamlet, of course). I may even get name above title credit one day. Could be quite a lucrative career for... well, my beneficiaries, I guess.

I realize a blog is not the place for making post-mortem last wishes legally-binding, but I do know my attorney reads my blog, so we'll talk it over once he's read this and see what can be done about making it official. So, make a note. Those of you who outlive me can see me on the big screen and whisper to whomever you're with "I knew him when he was alive."

1 comment:

  1. Of course, I'm gonna be in real trouble if I get killed in an explosion.