Movie Seventy-three: That Awkward Moment – I have never
watched an episode of “Sex & the City” (why would I?), but That Awkward Moment struck me as its
single-male twenty-something counterpart. Or, at least, it’s aspiring to be.
It’s a cute film and surprisingly funny in some parts, but it’s phony as all
hell. I’m not suggesting that every guy’s dating exploits are similar to mine,
but this was such a remote departure, it might as well have been a science
fiction film. Here’s a scenario to illustrate exactly what I mean: (A) I don’t
know any guys that use “self-tanner” lotion, (B) but if I did, I seriously
doubt any of them would use it to jerk off, (C) but if they did, they certainly
wouldn’t admit it to their friends, (D) but if they did, they certainly
wouldn’t show their friends their orange dick, (E) and if they did, their
friends wouldn’t sit there looking at it and making jokes for 30 seconds, (F)
but if they did, the guy with orange dick wouldn’t just stand their naked and
let them. This movie is fraught with bizarrely improbable scenarios like that.
But, I’ll admit, sometimes they’re funny. On a side note, I find it interesting
that Miles Teller has been a sort of measuring point in my Cinetopia
movie-watching for the past year. The first movie I watched with my Golden
Ticket was 21 & Over. The Spectacular Now was #40, marking the
halfway point. And now, at the end of my year, there’s That Awkward Moment. Funny thing is, he’s played the exact same
character in all three movies.
Movie Seventy-four: Labor Day – On the subject of
unrealistic scenarios, here’s another one that didn’t seem very likely. An
escaped fugitive hides out in the home of a single mother and they fall in
love. The convict, in turn, becomes somewhat of a father figure to the teenage
boy. This all happens over four days. Right. Believe it or not, I was willing
to forgive the plot’s lack of credibility, because it works pretty well for the
most part. There were certain sequences that felt pretty ambiguous and often
unnecessary, but, all in all, by the end of the movie, with time running out
and the climax approaching, I found myself rooting for the characters. Not
so much because I cared about them, but because I was invested in the scenario.
I knew very little about this film going in, but I was willing to watch it because
there weren’t many movies worth seeing at the time and I’ve appreciated Jason Reitman’s previous work. Honestly, I’m kinda unsure of how I really felt about
this film. If pressed to make a decision, I’d say I liked it. I don’t know if
I’d watch it again, though, because I doubt it would stand up to the scrutiny.
Movie Seventy-five: The LEGO Movie – There are some
things that shouldn’t be made into movies. Chief among these are such pop
culture entertainment sources as board games, video games, toys, and most Saturday Night Live sketches. So, naturally I groaned and rolled my eyes when I heard
they were making The LEGO Movie
(another rule of thumb is that any film where the last word in the title is
actually “Movie” should probably be steered clear of – The Muppet Movie being the exception that proves the rule). Then,
when I saw the trailer, it immediately gained my respect by going with stop
motion animation of actual LEGOs instead of the CGI-animated sequences seen in
the LEGO video games that make the minifigs look like they’re made of tofu. Not
only that, the trailer was actually funny, smart, charming and – I can hardly
believe it – felt like anything but a shameless extended advertisement for
LEGOs. It becomes immediately clear that this film was done as a profound labor
of love and the filmmakers are so giddy about the very concept of LEGOs
(particularly in how conducive they are to boundless imagination) that one
can’t help but be swept away by it. I was also amazed by their ability to gain
permission to use such a wide spectrum of trademarked icons. Everything from DC Comics to STAR WARS, from The Simpsons to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, from
Shaquille O’Neal to Crazy Cat Lady, from Lord of the Rings to Harry Potter
(indeed, there’s a charming moment where Gandalf and Dumbledore stand next to
each other lamenting about how people often confuse them). This movie is a pop
culture fan’s wet dream. On acid. It’s an unbelievable and relentlessly
unfettered feast for the eyes combining so many elements that it’s almost
exhausting. It’s Toy Story meets “Calvin & Hobbes” meets Yellow Submarine
meets 1984 meets South Park’s “Imaginationland”
and something else meets something else entirely and so on and so forth. There
really is no way to describe it except to say that it’s The LEGO Movie. And EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!
Movie Seventy-six: RoboCop – I remember when the first RoboCop came out back in 1987, I was
less than a month away from turning 13 years old. Even then, despite being a
pre-adolescent boy who was a big fan of both STAR WARS and Marvel Comics, I
thought the movie looked dumb. However, it quickly became one of those R-rated
films from the 80’s that was so overwrought with jaw-dropping violence and
gore, that kids would brag about having seen it to the point where finally
getting to watch it was like a rite of passage. And, once I saw it, I loved it.
Not so much because it was about a cyborg cop or because stuff blowed up real
good. It was the satire, the dark humor, and the cynical audacity of the whole
thing that sold me on it. I loved it as a 13-year-old and I love it now. I even
love RoboCop 2 (which I think is
unfairly scorned and widely misunderstood). Since this new RoboCop has essentially excised pretty much everything that made
the original so great (even the violence and gore are scaled back to a pathetic
PG-13 caliber), my first impressions from the age of 12 are now right on the
money. I do, however, feel obliged to point out that this remake is not the
train wreck I was anticipating. It starts pretty weak, but does improve as it
goes along. Plus, I admired the filmmakers’ efforts to not simply rehash the
original, but try something different with the same basic concept. In fact, I
almost wonder if they originally conceived a film meant to be its own entity
but then realized it was similar enough to the original RoboCop, that they figured they might as well just call it RoboCop and hope people wouldn’t hate
them for it. 
Movie Seventy-seven: The Monuments Men – George Clooney
has directed five films so far, all of which are based on true stories and, in
some cases, have a historical context. You’d think he’d be better at this by
now. There’s nothing wrong with The
Monuments Men, but it’s such an interesting story, one would think the
movie would be much more compelling than it actually is. The best thing it has
to offer is seeing an eclectic mix of great actors playing off each other, but
even that kind of leaves the viewer wanting. He could have cast the characters
with virtual unknowns and the film wouldn’t have suffered much. In fact, it
might’ve even been improved. The best performance probably comes from Bob Balaban who is especially good in a scene where, with beautifully understated
finesse, he wrangles a confession out of a Nazi almost too easily. Too bad the
rest of the film is unable to deliver many moments as great as that. It’s still
pretty decent and there are most definitely worse films out there this time of
year. But frankly, I’d rather watch a History Channel documentary about the
Monuments Men than this movie.
Movie Seventy-eight:
Raising Arizona – At this point, Cinetopia started to feel like my own viewing room. Having
watched The Big Lebowski and Fight Club the previous month and the
first two Alien movies months before
that, the Golden Ticket allowed me the luxury of watching movies I’ve owned for
years on the big screen for a change. It’s been a good time. It’s sad to have
to give all that up (particularly because they’re showing The Goonies less than a week after my year is over). Anyway, it was
interesting to see Raising Arizona
(the Coen brothers’ second film) so soon after having watched Inside Llewyn Davis (their latest film).
It seems slightly amateurish in comparison with their newer stuff, but it’s
still wonderfully constructed and endlessly entertaining. Probably their
goofiest movie, too (which is impressive considering they also made The Hudsucker Proxy and Burn After Reading). This is my favorite
film from 1987 (year of the original RoboCop). It’s hard
to believe this movie’s 27 years old. I may be wrong, but isn’t it also the
first film to have Nicolas Cage acting batshit crazy (what has now become his
calling card)?
Movie Seventy-nine: 3 Days to Kill – Having a remaining
three days to kill on my Golden Ticket, I was in search of movies to squeeze in
that I normally wouldn’t pay for and just hope they were worth watching. I
found myself trying to decide between Pompeii 3-D or 3 Days to Kill. The former
was directed by Paul W.S. Anderson who made the amazingly bad Alien vs. Predator, but also made Event Horizon, which was at least
entertaining enough to sit through and had its moments. The latter was directed
by McG who made the amazingly bad Charlie’s Angels movies, but also made Terminator 4, which was at least entertaining enough to sit through and had its
moments, too. To decide which film to watch, I simply resorted to a battle of
the trailers. Whichever ad sold me, that’d be the one I’d go see. Based on that
flimsy litmus test, 3 Days to Kill
seemed more accessible, personally. Now I wish I’d seen Pompeii 3-D. Although, it has definitely
occurred to me that if I did, I’d in all likelihood be saying I wish I’d seen
McG’s flick instead, because the grass is always greener, isn’t it? 3 Days to Kill is absolutely ridiculous,
but not in the ways it should be. It actually starts off showing great
potential. Amber Heard (seemingly sans make-up and acting coldly professional and
convincingly agent-like) gets an assignment from her superiors and thus very succinctly
establishes exposition. Then, the first time we see Kevin Costner’s character,
he’s standing in room full of men he just killed. Sometimes it’s even more
bad-ass to not show action scenes,
know what I mean? An action scene follows soon after, though, which is fairly
well-executed and shows us some cool stuff. I liked particularly how, when a
bomb goes off unexpectedly, we hear muffled voices and a high-pitched ring
illustrating Costner’s shell-shock. Anyway, after this sequence, the film
increasingly makes less and less sense. Outside of the opening scene,
everything about Amber Heard’s character is completely absurd. For some reason,
every time she shows up, she’s wearing less clothes and more make-up with a different wig. I assume this is meant to keep her character in disguise, but if
she’s not supposed to stand out, why is she wearing black “wet look” dresses
that painfully push her cleavage almost up to her chin? I haven’t even gotten
to the dopey subplot about Costner trying to make amends with his daughter and
several other completely irrelevant additions stuck in here and there. Frankly,
I don’t want to. Bad enough I saw this movie, why should I talk about it, too?
Movie Eighty: Non-Stop – Oh, what delicious irony
that the last movie I watched with my Golden Ticket was entitled Non-Stop. Like 3 Days to Kill, here is a movie that defies all logic, but this one
does it right. Liam Neeson plays a haunted air marshal who is tormented via
text messages by a serial killer who threatens to murder a passenger every 20
minutes unless a ransom is paid. Unbelievable as this scenario is, the
filmmakers manage to keep it interesting (there’s a great fist-fight in the
airplane lavatory, for example) and, best of all, they don’t cheat. After a while,
I was expecting (and dreading) a deus ex machina like the killer isn’t actually
on the plane or that it was Liam Neeson’s split personality doing the killing
or maybe even the whole thing was a training exercise. But, no. None of those
things happen, and when they reveal who’s behind the whole thing, I was
genuinely surprised without feeling duped. Indeed, I was kinda climbing the
walls trying to figure out who it was. Also, when they reveal the why soon after the who, I thought it was
a really compelling motive. This is a fun, non-ambitious suspense thriller that
won’t force you to think too hard, but doesn’t assume you’re stupid, either. If
nothing else, the film makes a pretty good case that having air marshals on
flights is a really bad idea. Yes, the film has its holes and it’s not
brilliant by any means, but it serves its purpose well and I had a really good
time. If you can overlook that Liam Neeson’s character is pretty gullible,
unreasonably hot-headed, and decides to give an impassioned speech when he
knows a bomb is about to go off, you’ll probably have a good time, too.
So, my year at Cinetopia totaled eighty movies altogether. A
nice round number (which is probably the only good thing that came out of seeing 3 Days to Kill). I’m a little sad it’s
over, but not necessarily because they were free movies at a high-end theater;
I actually got to know the place and the staff quite well. I’m saying goodbye
to familiarity. Before my penultimate movie, the waiter came in to check and
see if I wanted any food or drinks. I never learned this guy’s name (something
I am now ashamed of), but I probably saw him more than any other Cinetopia
employee. It was interesting this time because, for no discernable reason, he
said, “Are you good, as usual?” I hope he didn’t think of me as a skinflint,
but I rarely ordered food there. Not because it was kinda expensive (although
it was), but because I don’t care to eat while watching movies. Not even
popcorn.
Anyway, this was the first time he acknowledged that I was a
familiar regular. He took it even further by asking me, “You’re that Golden
Ticket winner, aren’t you?” I told him I was and he said he can remember me
coming the theater back when I was clean-shaven (I currently have a very bushy
beard for the winter, so that was a clear indicator to him as to how long I’d
been coming to Cinetopia). At some point – maybe that very day – he must have
gone back to the kitchen or box office and asked, “What’s with that guy who’s
here a couple times a week to watch movies by himself in the 21+ section
without ordering anything?” Funny to think of myself as some kind of Cinetopia
pseudo-celebrity, like their analogous “Phantom of the Opera” or something.
I remember another waitperson I got to know a bit before that
guy (and actually did get her name: Kayla). She was a bit more gregarious and
actually asked me straight out fairly early on as to why I was there so often.
After her I told her about being the Golden Ticket winner, she reacted as
though I had just confirmed something she previously thought was just an urban
legend. Every time since then, she’d always ask me what I’d seen lately and
what I would recommend. I should have told her about this blog. The last time I
saw her was in November when I went to see 12 Years a Slave. She was visibly pregnant then, which is probably why I never
saw her after that. Too bad. I would like to have said goodbye.
Looking back on a year of free movies (and looking ahead
to it being over), there’s actually a certain sense of relief. Like a kid in a
candy store, I might have overdone it. The luxury of being able to see whatever
I want, whenever I want has resulted in me being an even more scrutinous
film-goer than I was before. I’m currently reading Roger Ebert’s autobiography
and, referring to Werner Herzog, he ends one chapter by saying, “Artists like
them bring meaning to my life, which has been devoted in such large part to
films of worthlessness.” It’s true that great films are rare finds in a sea of
bad films, but that just makes the good ones all the more worthwhile.
I shouldn’t lament that I swam through a sea of crap to find
the exceptionally rare masterpiece, because that’s not true. I didn’t see every
movie that came out (as Roger Ebert would have, if he was still alive). I was still
able to scrutinize and I suppose it’s a great insult to the filmmakers whose
films I declined to watch even for free. Quality of film notwithstanding, the
truth is, a great many movies just didn’t appeal to me. There were, of course,
the obvious stinkers I wasn’t even going to give the benefit of the doubt (like
Scary Movie 5 and I, Frankenstein), but there were also a
good many kids’ films I didn’t bother with either (like Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 and Turbo) even though they might have been perfectly good flicks (for kids). There
were even some big-budget blockbusters I passed on (like Ender’s Game and the second Hobbit
film) just because I wasn’t into them.
On the flipside, there were lots of movies I expected to
suck that were actually quite well done (like The Purge and Snitch) and
I found myself really liking despite my cynical prejudices. Along those same
lines were a few movies I knew almost nothing about going into and turned out
to be very pleasant surprises as well (like The Place Beyond the Pines and Side Effects). Making the list of my top ten favorite films of 2013 is gonna be
super hard.
With a nice round number of 80 films, it was easy to break
it down statistically. I figure movies (like pretty much anything) generally
can be separated into four categories of evaluation: What I loved, what I
liked, what was so-so, and what I hated. In reviewing everything I saw at
Cinetopia, 22.5% I loved, 37.5% I liked, 32.5% were so-so, and 7.5% I hated.
Combining those figures into the thumbs-up/thumbs-down dichotomy means exactly
60% were good movies and 40% were bad, in my opinion. That’s a pretty decent
ratio, especially given the movies I found reprehensible were such a small
percentage of the total. Incidentally, if you wanna know which six movies made
up that 7.5% so you can avoid such suckfests, they were The Conjuring, the Evil Dead
remake, Olympus Has Fallen, Pain & Gain, White House Down, and the recently-seen 3 Days to Kill. Fuck those movies.
As for the best movies, that will be the subject of my next blog post, keeping up the annual tradition of compiling my favorites from each
year. As I said, this will be a tough one to narrow down, but it will also
probably be the most comprehensive list I’ve ever done. For now, though, I
lower my head in solemn gratitude for Cinetopia allowing me to indulge their
patronage for a year of free movies. Thank you. It was an experience.
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